Tuesday, January 29, 2013

TMI Tuesday #17- Ten for the price of One!

TMI: "I've had a weird week and can't pick just one thing"-edition

Here goes the list:

*After getting out of the shower I accidentally dropped my shower cap INTO the toilet. How does that even happen? Took me 10 seconds to decide its trash-destined fate. 
(I don't know why it took so long.)

*When we were checking out at the grocery store, my kids were happily sitting in the "car-cart" (you know what I'm talking about, right?) As Sunshine slowly rode by the checker, 
he reached out 
pinched her bum. 
She totally jumped and made a weird "surprised" noise
Me=HORRIFIED! Sunshine=Inappropriate giggles.
I quickly apologized. 
She decided to ignore the pinch and my apology like it never happened. 
This made me turn bright red and fumble around like an idiot.
She refused eye-contact.

*While shaving my legs I cut myself a huge gash on the weird side/back of my ankle.... like an 11 year old girl who's never shaved her legs. It bleed like crazy. My shower looked like a crime scene.

*While going to the bathroom, my audience included the Bird.  
After you have kids you will never go to the bathroom alone again, ever. Get over it.
The Bird is pulling TP off the roll and I was trying to stop her. She pretends to blow her nose. I take her momentary lapse of attention to my bathroom use to quickly wipe and finish (just deal with it, guys. Everyone wipes!) In a very unsettling discovery, I realize the Bird trying to help me complete my wiping task. I jump about 7 feet in the air, squawking like a crow.

*Yesterday morning it snowed about 65 feet (approximately). After I dropped Sunshine off at school my car got stuck in the snow. Four adults come to my aid. Three of these adults, all the same gender, go right to the back of my car and start pushing. The fourth, the opposite gender, comes to my window and we have the following conversation:

Person-Who-Thinks-I'm-Stupid: Do you have the car in 4wheel drive?
Me: No, it's not 4wheel drive.
Person-Who-Thinks-I'm-Stupid: Go ahead and put it in 4wheel drive.
Me: This car is not 4wheel drive.
Person-Who-Thinks-I'm-Stupid: (Condescending tone)Do you know how to turn on the 4wheel drive?
Me: This car is not 4wheel drive.
Person-Who-Thinks-I'm-Stupid: Wait, this car isn't 4wheel drive?
Me: Uh, no. It is not 4wheel drive.
Person-Who-Thinks-I'm-Stupid: Oh. I'll just go push then.

Can you guess which group was male and which was female???

*While telling the previous story to the Mister I was giggling so much he couldn't understand me. When I finally got it out, the story was no longer funny. 

*Recently at a social function, I felt slightly uncomfortable, sort of like the "odd-man-out". Out of awkward nervousness, I kept making jokes.
That were not funny.
I couldn't stop. 
It was awful. 

*Ever since starting TMI Tuesday, my friends, family, and acquaintances have increased the number of TMI stories they tell me... 
about themselves... 
I never know if they are hoping their story appears on my blog or if they inexplicably just want to share with me. So far I haven't shared any of them unless they directly express their wish to be featured. 
What do you guys think? Fair game???

*This morning I burned the bacon. 
I kept checking over my shoulder, expecting Mrs. Dursley was going to chew me out.
Then I remembered she doesn't live with me. 
And I am not an 11-year-old boy.
And she is also a fictional character....

 Um... TMI!!!

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

TMI Tuesday #16- "Oh and Everything Looks Great!"

TMI Tuesday: “Please don’t give us the play-by-play of your doc appointment”-Edition

(Okay guys, this is a for-real personal TMI… 
so if you can’t handle it… stop reading)

Yesterday I had a “lady” doctor appointment.
My doctor is a man but the nature of the appointment was for “lady” things…

(You can stop reading right now if you want)

Okay, I’ve been married over 5 years, have had 2 babies, with countless medical visits to my “who-hah”
So why is every single time the most awkward experience of my life???

Sitting in the waiting room at my doc’s office.

Me: (thinking in my head) No kids… It’s almost like a party! Except I’m at the doctor’s office…wait… did I shave my legs? Not this morning… I can’t remember the last time I did…What should I make for dinner? Crap, we’re almost out of diapers. Double crap, I’ve gained like 15 pounds since the last time I was here. Are they going to chew me out? I freakin’ love the aquarium here. I want a huge aquarium in our dream house someday. I can’t believe it’s so quiet! I should be doing something productive. Why didn’t I bring a book? Sunshine needs a new church shirt. Where’s my list? (digging through purse) Oh here it is. Where’s my pen? Oh here it is. Wait… what was I going to write down? Diapers! Sigh…. It’s just so nice to sit here in peace…….
Did I put deodorant on? 

Nurse: Michelle? We’re ready for you. 

Me: Oh! That’s me!

Fast forward through triage…

Sitting in exam room

Me: (thinking in my head) I know I brushed my teeth, but deodorant? Crap. 

Doctor enters room

(I feel I should add here that I love my doctor. He is seriously the best ever. I love that man! I wish I could live here forever just so he could be my doctor… or that he would move his practice every time we move so my family could see him forever. I will refer to him as “Doctor Who” during his visits to Starrs Town)

Doctor Who: Hey there, Michelle. (riffling through drawers) How’s it going? (plops paper/plastic white sheet on examination table) 

Me: Uh, fine I guess. (averting eyes from said paper/plastic white sheet. Also, avoiding eye contact with doctor.)

Doctor Who: Well, this is for you… (lightly pats tissue paper next to paper/plastic white sheet) And I’ll be back in a bit

Me: Uh… Okay. (at this point I am pointing to my waist, and then motioning down my legs, pantomiming the action of removing my pants as if to say, “I’ll just be in here, taking off my pants!!”)

Me: (alone in the room) Should I leave my socks on? Ugh, how am I doing “down there”? Crap, obviously haven’t shaved my legs in a couple weeks.  Should I lock the door? No, just hurry up! Stop running around the room! Sit down, drape the paper/plastic sheet over your lap, and CHILL OUT!

Doctor Who: knocks

Me: Come…ready… (voice cracks-unable to decide if I was going to say “come in” or “I’m all ready” but now sound as if I’m shouting a warning.)

Doctor Who: (Clunk-as he pulls out the metal stirrups) Go ahead and lay back.

 A few moments later…

Me: (With feet above my head…) So uh, my husband has been looking for a PA to shadow. Do you know any? I mean, not to bother you or anything. Should I stop talking? My son is about to go back to preschool. He loves preschool. But my daughter didn’t get into the Toddler lab. I was really disappointed. But that’s okay. Maybe next semester? Hopefully. So, do you know a PA?

Doctor Who: Yeah, actually there is a really good…

Me: Oh good! I think the Mister will be a great PA. He wanted to be a PT for a while but changed to PA. I’m really glad he did. 

Doctor Who: You can put your knees back together now. We’re all done.

Me: (Snap knees back together. But remain laying down, with feet in stirrups.) I’m not sure if there are any PA’s in town, it might be too small here. I guess he could commute. That wouldn’t be too bad if it was just for shadowing.

Doctor Who: (awkwardly remaining in his chair by the “business end” of things, listening to what I am saying because he is a good doc.) You can sit up now, we’re all done. I’ll get you a list of PA’s.

Me: Oh… Uh, thanks. (awkwardly move to a more socially acceptable sitting position)

Doctor Who: Oh and everything looks great! (gives a thumbs-up)


Saturday, January 19, 2013

I'm stuck to my memories

I have a really hard time throwing things away. 
Especially little nick-nacky kinds of things that have memory
or pretty things

So when I was hankering for more magnets for my fridge...
Light bulb!
I decide to take some of my old silly things that were stuffed in Ziploc bags 
make a magnet outa them!

 Aren't they fun?

Oooo! Look! 
My fake-bling from when it was really popular to wear your initial around your neck!
And a train-smashed penny from a family trip to Whistler!
And pearls from a broken necklace!

A machine-smashed penny from me and The Mister's 1st anniversary trip! 
And part of a (broken) necklace my sister brought me from Brazil!!

Oh the memories....
All I did was....
buy button magnets (walmart-$4 for 52)
Glob a bit of hot-glue
Attach memory
I didn't take pictures... it just seemed too easy to stretch out into a tutorial....    
Now, get your re-purpose on! 

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

TMI Tuesday #15 "Uh.. negative. I am a meat popcicle."

Long Ramblings of Nonsense and Things-you-don't-really-care-about-but-read-anyway Edition

Yesterday morning, (that was Monday)
Our little town had a pleasant (by pleasant I mean completely unpleasant) surprise

Here goes the events 
and my inner-thoughts and ramblings of a nonsense, half asleep brain. 

Outside temp?
-20 degrees
wait, shouldn't I be dead?
The power goes out 
oh no! I can't use my sewing machine! 
(.....because I always sew every morning at 5am??...uh...)

The deathly chill of the freaking impossibly freezing cold air continues to seep into my house uninhibited by the silent heater.
Why am I so cold? Oh yeah, the heater isn't on. Why? Because the power is out.... 



But why won't the heater turn on??

Groggily fall out of bed, stumble around trying to find a flashlight. Currently using cell phone to illuminate my situation.Sluggishly comment to The Mister on the current state of things.

I'm so cold. I'm going to die. I am a meat popcicle
 (watch this... best movie and line, EVERRRRRR!)   

Find flashlights. By this time Sunshine is awake and repeatedly saying "The lights are broken."  
He's confused but totally jazzed that things are different and exciting. 

Keep clicking button on flashlight, willing the batteries to not be dead.
Oh that's okay, I'll just light a candle. Oh wait, we don't have any candles. I think I saw something on Pinterest that said you could shove some wick into a can of Crisco and it'll work as a candle. I'll look it up. Oh wait, I can't use the internet because our router uses electricity and I still have a dumbphone (aka not a smartphone). I think I remember how it works. 
Oh wait.... 
we don't have any matches... 
....or wick... 

   The Mister and I notice a light coming from somewhere. Sunshine has found and located his light from the children's tool bench we gave him a couple years ago for Christmas.
The Mister snatches it up so he can keep getting ready for school 
(with Sunshine's permission, of course) 

Sunshine rustles through his toys
I am wrapped in blankets, not moving from the sofa. 
I am so cold. I hope this doesn't last too long. I am so cold.  
The sun will rise soon, right?.....

What if it doesn't rise?    

Click! Sunshine has found his mini-dollarstore-AAAbattery flashlight I threw into his Super Hero Kit. 
Seriously? My kid is way more prepared than I am. 
Working adult flashlights=zero
Working toy flashlights=two

The Mister is showered, dressed and completely ready for school. Now that he is out of things to do he starts excitedly rambling about:
 zombie apocalypse
 strategic plans to take-over and rule Walmart if/when needed
 wondering how much gas we have in the car
 commenting that The Bird is still asleep and could, in fact be, a zombie

I am half asleep on the sofa.
Okay, he's mostly joking. But partly of serious. And kind of freaking me out. What if this was it? What if this was for real? 
I just watched The Book of Eli.... how did they make things work after 30 years? 


Okay, I can barter. 
But what? 
I want to keep the food and water of course.....

Toys! We have lots of toys.... I wonder what I could get for the plastic dinosaurs?........
Wait, what in the helicopter am I talking about?

I'm up and organizing things. Trying to make phone calls, putting the milk and other perishables outside, filling pitchers and extra water containers, contacting the neighbors and gathering information.
In other words, acting like a real adult should. 

Power back on. 
I want to check my facebook.



Thursday, January 10, 2013

Some people prefer their Dogs over my First Born...

What? No.... weird!

But it is true. 
Apparently Sunshine is not interesting enough. 
Dogs are much, much more interesting.

Even though my son is an actual human person who 
talks, walks, laughs, cries, 
has goals, dreams, favorite colors (this week it is green!)
and is much more of a complex individual than any dog...

Well, part of my creative writing class was submitting a piece for publication. 
So I submitted this one.
I thought it was pretty good stuff. 
Last week I received the following email in response...

Hi, Michelle,
Thanks for sending in your essay. It is funny, but the subject matter isn't really our style. All of our kids around here come in the four-legged variety.

Thanks for thinking of us, and good luck finding your essay a home. 

I never expected to become published but to be shut down on terms such as these??


Tuesday, January 8, 2013

TMI Tuesday #14-Hairy Lettuce

Let me start by saying I am not pregnant.

TMI Tuesday: Pregnancy Woes Edition

This is me pregnant at 18 weeks with baby #1
I wanted to prove to all of you that I was in fact thin and slim at one time in my life
Look at my arms! They are like sticks!My face is so thin and my boobs look amazing.

Okay, moving on!!

I found out I was expecting our first child on October 9th 2008
(I remember because it was my mom's birthday)
Just a few days shy of our first anniversary 
For our anniversary we stayed in a (seedy!) hotel in North Seattle for a few days and did lots of tourist type things in downtown.
I had not been sick up to this point and was naively thinking I could skip out on the whole nausea part
I was sitting on the bed munching away on a salad we'd picked up somewhere when I clumsily launched a dressing soaked leaf of lettuce between the bed and the night stand.
I reached down and stabbed the lettuce with the plastic fork (I was done eating by this point)
Slowly I lifted the fork back into view.

The piece of lettuce 

was covered



Ugh just thinking about it makes my stomach turn. All the hairs of strangers past happily hitching a ride on the sticky lettuce. 

From that point on I had all kinds of nausea 
And everytime I passed the exit on the freeway for the hotel serious waves of the barfs left me clammy and sweating and sometimes I even did puke.

Um... TMI!!

Friday, January 4, 2013

24 before 25: A review

aaaaaaand I decided to check in with my 
from my other blog
that I don't post on anymore

My birthday is February 23rd

I figure this is better than making new resolutions for the New Year

Okay. Here is the list with my current status (in red):

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

TMI Tuesday #13-a day late...oooops!

I'm a day late.
Um.... Um... I got nothing good. 

Just love me anyway. 

This week features Sunshine and The Mister.

This past Sunday at church, Sunshine was sitting on The Mister's lap, facing each other. 
Much to The Mister's surprise (not really) Sunshine screwed up his face and pushed out a bit of stinky right on his Daddy's lap. 
This, of course, set Sunshine into a fit of giggles.

Laying a fart on your dad? 
(according to a 3.5yr old boy)

The Mister (also giggling, apparently boys never grow out of this) whispered in Sunshine's ear,
"Don't push them out, that is dangerous!" 
(speaking from experience?)

Of course Sunshine took this statement upon himself as a personal challenge. 

mischievous look, push, half a giggle, look of shock, giant frowns from Father and Son

I knew, as the mom, that it was a bad sign that I smelled the stunk before The Mister leaned over and asked for the baby wipes. 
The guys ran out of the Chapel toward the bathroom.
Sunshine was doing this crazy little waddle while waving at everyone he passed.

20 minutes go by and I start thinking I just might be needed. 
I picked up The Bird and headed to the bathroom

I cracked the men's door open and called to the guys. 
I hear The Mister say
"sigh Yeah..."
And Sunshine
"Hey mommy! I go poo-poo in my panties!"

The panties went into the trash and the guys headed home for Sunshine to have a shower. 
The Mister said it was really really really bad.

Oh the Joys!