TMI Tuesday #16- "Oh and Everything Looks Great!"

TMI Tuesday: “Please don’t give us the play-by-play of your doc appointment”-Edition

(Okay guys, this is a for-real personal TMI… 

so if you can’t handle it… stop reading)

Yesterday I had a “lady” doctor appointment.
My doctor is a man but the nature of the appointment was for “lady” things…

(You can stop reading right now if you want)

 

Okay, I’ve been married over 5 years, have had 2 babies, with countless medical visits to my “who-hah”

 
So why is every single time the most awkward experience of my life???

Yesterday:

Sitting in the waiting room at my doc’s office.

Me: (thinking in my head) No kids… It’s almost like a party! Except I’m at the doctor’s office…wait… did I shave my legs? Not this morning… I can’t remember the last time I did…What should I make for dinner? Crap, we’re almost out of diapers. Double crap, I’ve gained like 15 pounds since the last time I was here. Are they going to chew me out? I freakin’ love the aquarium here. I want a huge aquarium in our dream house someday. I can’t believe it’s so quiet! I should be doing something productive. Why didn’t I bring a book? Sunshine needs a new church shirt. Where’s my list? (digging through purse) Oh here it is. Where’s my pen? Oh here it is. Wait… what was I going to write down? Diapers! Sigh…. It’s just so nice to sit here in peace…….
Did I put deodorant on? 

Nurse: Michelle? We’re ready for you. 

Me: Oh! That’s me!

Fast forward through triage…

Sitting in exam room

Me: (thinking in my head) I know I brushed my teeth, but deodorant? Crap. 

Doctor enters room

(I feel I should add here that I love my doctor. He is seriously the best ever. I love that man! I wish I could live here forever just so he could be my doctor… or that he would move his practice every time we move so my family could see him forever. I will refer to him as “Doctor Who” during his visits to Starrs Town)

Doctor Who: Hey there, Michelle. (riffling through drawers) How’s it going? (plops paper/plastic white sheet on examination table) 

Me: Uh, fine I guess. (averting eyes from said paper/plastic white sheet. Also, avoiding eye contact with doctor.)

Doctor Who: Well, this is for you… (lightly pats tissue paper next to paper/plastic white sheet) And I’ll be back in a bit

Me: Uh… Okay. (at this point I am pointing to my waist, and then motioning down my legs, pantomiming the action of removing my pants as if to say, “I’ll just be in here, taking off my pants!!”)

Me: (alone in the room) Should I leave my socks on? Ugh, how am I doing “down there”? Crap, obviously haven’t shaved my legs in a couple weeks.  Should I lock the door? No, just hurry up! Stop running around the room! Sit down, drape the paper/plastic sheet over your lap, and CHILL OUT!

Doctor Who: knocks

Me: Come…ready… (voice cracks-unable to decide if I was going to say “come in” or “I’m all ready” but now sound as if I’m shouting a warning.)

Doctor Who: (Clunk-as he pulls out the metal stirrups) Go ahead and lay back.

 A few moments later…

Me: (With feet above my head…) So uh, my husband has been looking for a PA to shadow. Do you know any? I mean, not to bother you or anything. Should I stop talking? My son is about to go back to preschool. He loves preschool. But my daughter didn’t get into the Toddler lab. I was really disappointed. But that’s okay. Maybe next semester? Hopefully. So, do you know a PA?

Doctor Who: Yeah, actually there is a really good…

Me: Oh good! I think the Mister will be a great PA. He wanted to be a PT for a while but changed to PA. I’m really glad he did. 

Doctor Who: You can put your knees back together now. We’re all done.

Me: (Snap knees back together. But remain laying down, with feet in stirrups.) I’m not sure if there are any PA’s in town, it might be too small here. I guess he could commute. That wouldn’t be too bad if it was just for shadowing.

Doctor Who: (awkwardly remaining in his chair by the “business end” of things, listening to what I am saying because he is a good doc.) You can sit up now, we’re all done. I’ll get you a list of PA’s.

Me: Oh… Uh, thanks. (awkwardly move to a more socially acceptable sitting position)

Doctor Who: Oh and everything looks great! (gives a thumbs-up)

Um…TMI!!!!